I'm an extrovert, a lover, one who THRIVES off of being around other people. I love people!!!
Until recently, I didn't like being alone, ever. Even if I were to go work out, or do homework, or eat a meal, it was always with someone... I get my energy from others. I love to laugh and smile and get lost with other people instead of within my own thoughts...
But now, I love being alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with energy of life. Alone with a cup of coffee (or insert beverage of choice). Alone with nature. No one to talk to me, but my own thoughts.
This Saturday, I woke up, got ready and started walking towards the music building to practice this big marimba work that's kickin my butt. But as I was walking, I was drawn to Campus Coffee Bean. I hadn't eaten breakfast, so I decided to stop. It was beautiful outside, so I got a cup of coffee and a peanut butter, 6 grain bagel and sat at a table outside. And I ate, and sipped on my coffee...
After my bagel was gone, I felt glued to my seat. I wasn't ready to leave... So I didn't. I looked around at all the people walking by, all of them so different from another. One elder lady with a total 80's wardrobe with a sweater over her shoulders and a back brace; a younger gentleman wearing work out clothes and flip flops; a lady in her 40's wearing a total "hippie" outfit; a dad with his two children, laughing and enjoying their breakfast together; another guy (I actually knew him) with curly hair sprawled out over a couple chairs, just sitting with himself; an Indian man sitting on the curb; an older gentleman on his cell phone talking to person after person while he sat there...
Now what does all this imagery mean?!?! Nothing really... But after analyzing people, I wanted to cry. I thought to myself, how beautiful this place was. Everyone so different, drawn to this place for different reasons; it was just wonderful...
After that I was getting lost in my thoughts, checking out the mountains and trees, the birds hanging out wondering if they'll be able to eat our crumbs (or so I think they thought.. ha). I was glued. Stuck. In love with this creation of life. I just started crying. Not sobbing, but just a few tears...
I had an experience earlier this summer, where I purposefully sat myself alone, in my living room. For a few hours... alone with only my thoughts and the view of my apt ceiling.. and again, I weeped, except that time, I was sobbing...
I feel like alone time is very important to my life now. Time to think/pray, center myself from all the noise, but also time to just stop and look around at all the beauty in the world. Sometimes the beauty isn't so beautiful, but overall, it's a big, strange, incomprehensible world we're living in... And taking some time to check it out... Well I'll let you make up your mind about it ;)
Taking time to be with self just seems so pertinent... and I hope that when the madness of life begins again (with school, work, teching, practicing, rehearsals, gigs, hw, organizations, etc...) that I can remember to take some time for myself, because it's pretty great...
Monday, July 27, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Everything Happens for a Reason?
Growing up, I whole-heartedly believed this... Now, I'm not too sure...
I have met so many people who believe this, family, friends, and I think there could be some validity, but maybe it's the verbage or the language of the matter...
I've heard this response time and time again... "Though we may not be able to see the reason now, doesn't mean there isn't a reason for it"
To me, this phrase is kind of a "cop-out" in the sense that we use it to justify things that happen in our lives that aren't "good". To me I hear that there is a belief that GOD has intentionally placed 'bad' things in our lives to teach us some sort of lesson, and in turn is used to glorify HIM. Gives me the heebee-geebees...
I've toyed around with the idea that "We can learn a 'lesson' from all things" OR "WE can choose to see reason and call it God's"...
I like this the best though... Why can't God just be the all loving God that is there to walk with you in the hard times, there to love you and comfort you? I can't wrap my mind around the fact that a good and loving God would intentionally place something 'bad' in our lives to 'teach us a lesson...' God is all knowing, but does that mean that God is a puppeteer, controlling all of humanity? Where's the free will in that?
I'm reading the book "The Shack" right now by William P Young. The character Mackenzie's daughter was kidnapped and murdered... He goes to the shack and meets God. If you are currently reading it, or wanting to check it out, read pages 125-127. Mack is crying out and God tell's him that humans choose what is good and evil (another blog), and don't always trust that God IS good! God says "Your choices are also not stronger than my purposes, and I will use every choice you make for the ultimate good and most loving outcome..." To me, this might mean that WE, broken human beings, can make choices that lead to 'bad' outcomes... I interpret that as humans fail, and cause the crap in the world, but God is maybe there to clean up the mess? Now the more I read those pages the more validity I could see in the "Everything happens for a reason" phrase, but that's William's beliefs, not necessarily fact.
Which leads me to another point... I think by saying everything happens for a reason is using that phrase as a "certainty" which means that there is no room for 'error'... Some people choose to live in that life of certainty because it's comfortable... Not saying this is terrible, but I think as I am exploring faith, it's hard for me to say there are 'definites' except that there is a God who chose us, who loves us, who is with us every step of the way... Not necessarily one who says:
"Kinna, I need to test you. I am going to purposefully make you miserable for a reason. You may not see it yet, but one day you will, and you will thank me."
How about a God who says:
"Kinna, I am with you right now in your troubles, walking with you and loving you. I am here, and I will carry you. Trust me that I am all Good. Trust that I will always be here with you and love you, to cry with you and to laugh with you. 'I give you peace now, my peace... not as the world gives, but as I give..."
I'd love to hear your thoughts as I wrestle with this...
I have met so many people who believe this, family, friends, and I think there could be some validity, but maybe it's the verbage or the language of the matter...
I've heard this response time and time again... "Though we may not be able to see the reason now, doesn't mean there isn't a reason for it"
To me, this phrase is kind of a "cop-out" in the sense that we use it to justify things that happen in our lives that aren't "good". To me I hear that there is a belief that GOD has intentionally placed 'bad' things in our lives to teach us some sort of lesson, and in turn is used to glorify HIM. Gives me the heebee-geebees...
I've toyed around with the idea that "We can learn a 'lesson' from all things" OR "WE can choose to see reason and call it God's"...
I like this the best though... Why can't God just be the all loving God that is there to walk with you in the hard times, there to love you and comfort you? I can't wrap my mind around the fact that a good and loving God would intentionally place something 'bad' in our lives to 'teach us a lesson...' God is all knowing, but does that mean that God is a puppeteer, controlling all of humanity? Where's the free will in that?
I'm reading the book "The Shack" right now by William P Young. The character Mackenzie's daughter was kidnapped and murdered... He goes to the shack and meets God. If you are currently reading it, or wanting to check it out, read pages 125-127. Mack is crying out and God tell's him that humans choose what is good and evil (another blog), and don't always trust that God IS good! God says "Your choices are also not stronger than my purposes, and I will use every choice you make for the ultimate good and most loving outcome..." To me, this might mean that WE, broken human beings, can make choices that lead to 'bad' outcomes... I interpret that as humans fail, and cause the crap in the world, but God is maybe there to clean up the mess? Now the more I read those pages the more validity I could see in the "Everything happens for a reason" phrase, but that's William's beliefs, not necessarily fact.
Which leads me to another point... I think by saying everything happens for a reason is using that phrase as a "certainty" which means that there is no room for 'error'... Some people choose to live in that life of certainty because it's comfortable... Not saying this is terrible, but I think as I am exploring faith, it's hard for me to say there are 'definites' except that there is a God who chose us, who loves us, who is with us every step of the way... Not necessarily one who says:
"Kinna, I need to test you. I am going to purposefully make you miserable for a reason. You may not see it yet, but one day you will, and you will thank me."
How about a God who says:
"Kinna, I am with you right now in your troubles, walking with you and loving you. I am here, and I will carry you. Trust me that I am all Good. Trust that I will always be here with you and love you, to cry with you and to laugh with you. 'I give you peace now, my peace... not as the world gives, but as I give..."
I'd love to hear your thoughts as I wrestle with this...
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Insecurity- Rachel Held Evans
http://rachelheldevans.com/insecurity
This is truly a GREAT post! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. She was so raw and so truthful... so broken, like all of us right?! How awesome! Peter Walker said something very interesting regarding his posts about "starting with our weakness"...
"Wow, talk about counterintuitive advertising: "Christianity: We're the WEAKEST Way to Live!" Shall we give it a try?"
Some cool stuff... If you don't check out Peter Walker already, you should. http://www.emergingchristian.com/
It's kind of cool to see how many people are excited about being broken but also scared to be, like Rachel... What do you guys think?
Monday, July 6, 2009
Eldon
I worship with Lutheran Campus Ministries at the CMC, or "the little blue building behind the music building/ Cline library" up in Flagstaff, AZ. Over the breaks we have very intimate worship services since a lot of people leave town. I think we had about 11 at service last night?!
To get a visual going for you, the 11 of us sat in a circle for worship. The only time the circle was broken was when I went to the piano to sing/play. In the circle was a homeless man, the pastor and her husband and kids, a guy from Germany, 3 students, an alum and myself.
This Sunday to me wasn't necessarilly about the sermon. It wasn't really about the music (which for me can be the part I resonate with the most). It was about the people, mostly about the homeless man...
His name is Eldon. Now I'm probably making this way more of a deal than it should be, but it was really beautiful to me. Eldon sat next to me. We held hands for prayers. He got up to fix the fan for us, got up to make sure the napkin covering the bread wouldn't fly away, got up to close the blinds because the sun was in peoples eyes, all without anyone asking him to. Then during prayer, he got down on his knees and leaned over the chair, and someone else had their hands uplifted, some folded their hands, some closed their eyes, some kept them open... I thought that image was beautiful to me, all these different people gathered together in one intimate group...
Back to Eldon. After service we dined together, then the kids wanted to play kick ball! So we were playing, and Eldon joined in! And it was an absolute blast...
What an image of community?! One that is diverse, one that prays together, dines together, crys together, laughs together and plays together. One full of enthusiasm, joy, love, sympathy, compassion... All of this was shown to me, mostly through Eldon, but also through that intimate group on Sunday. What a marvelous gift...
I think it is so beautiful that our community this Sunday (and I guess last Sunday) included Eldon. He was a delight. We didn't turn him away like I've known other communities to do for fear of something bad happening, which can definately be justified...
My prayer for our community is that we continue to grow as a people of love and compassion, and to spread that to others within and outside of the community. I am thankful for the image I was given, for the community I was able to be in, the tears of joy and sorrow I could shed, and for a safe place to go and be loved and accepted as I am... a broken loving follower...
To get a visual going for you, the 11 of us sat in a circle for worship. The only time the circle was broken was when I went to the piano to sing/play. In the circle was a homeless man, the pastor and her husband and kids, a guy from Germany, 3 students, an alum and myself.
This Sunday to me wasn't necessarilly about the sermon. It wasn't really about the music (which for me can be the part I resonate with the most). It was about the people, mostly about the homeless man...
His name is Eldon. Now I'm probably making this way more of a deal than it should be, but it was really beautiful to me. Eldon sat next to me. We held hands for prayers. He got up to fix the fan for us, got up to make sure the napkin covering the bread wouldn't fly away, got up to close the blinds because the sun was in peoples eyes, all without anyone asking him to. Then during prayer, he got down on his knees and leaned over the chair, and someone else had their hands uplifted, some folded their hands, some closed their eyes, some kept them open... I thought that image was beautiful to me, all these different people gathered together in one intimate group...
Back to Eldon. After service we dined together, then the kids wanted to play kick ball! So we were playing, and Eldon joined in! And it was an absolute blast...
What an image of community?! One that is diverse, one that prays together, dines together, crys together, laughs together and plays together. One full of enthusiasm, joy, love, sympathy, compassion... All of this was shown to me, mostly through Eldon, but also through that intimate group on Sunday. What a marvelous gift...
I think it is so beautiful that our community this Sunday (and I guess last Sunday) included Eldon. He was a delight. We didn't turn him away like I've known other communities to do for fear of something bad happening, which can definately be justified...
My prayer for our community is that we continue to grow as a people of love and compassion, and to spread that to others within and outside of the community. I am thankful for the image I was given, for the community I was able to be in, the tears of joy and sorrow I could shed, and for a safe place to go and be loved and accepted as I am... a broken loving follower...
Lover... (spirituality test results)
I took this spirituality test (http://www.upperroom.org/methodx/thelife/), and I thought this pretty much nailed it on the head for me! Makes a ton of sense! Here is my result (go figure):
"You are a Lover, a feeling type, whose spirituality comes primarily from the heart or emotions. You value freedom, independence, and spontaneity. Along with your gift of enthusiasm, you show us how to have fun and appreciate beauty. More than any other type, you know how to experience joy. This puts you in a unique position to experience God in the moment, to revel in what is happening around you, and to be in the present tense.
To Lovers, God is a nurturing parent. Prayer for you is often extemporaneous, speaking to God about what is on your heart at the moment. Music moves you deeply; so does heartfelt preaching and worship. You believe that real faith must be shared. Consequently, many Lovers are interested in missions or in spreading the Gospel through the media. You are passionate about holy living.
On the other hand, a Lover's impulsive behavior can get you in trouble. You sometimes focus on satisfying immediate desires to the detriment of investing in longer term needs. You have been known to exude a "holier-than-thou" attitude toward other spiritual types. That does not endear you to us. Guard against thinking that to be right everyone else must share a spiritual experience similar to yours. You also may need permission to acknowledge anger, disappointment, sadness, and doubt, and to allow yourself to be less than ideal."
It's kind of interesting... I've been telling myself, and others, that I'm a broken christian, because I completely am... it's interesting to think that people would see me as "holier-than-thou" but I guess even in admitting, and being OK about that, and being open and honest and excited about working on being "less broken", I guess I can see where others may see me as "holier-than-thou"... I can see it more prevalent in other areas as well...
I've also noticed my enthusiasm and happiness can come off too strong. Some people see it as me being too optimistic because I'm naive, young. Some just want me to be angry because they are (at that moment... I don't think it's bad to be angry sometimes!) I don't know... Something new I've been experiencing... Any thoughts?
Is it a bad thing to think life is beautiful? Now, I could be more realistic and open my narrow eyes to all the bad things in the world, which I do believe I should do more of. But I'm not sure that I shouldn't be happy or excited about the life I've been given...
"You are a Lover, a feeling type, whose spirituality comes primarily from the heart or emotions. You value freedom, independence, and spontaneity. Along with your gift of enthusiasm, you show us how to have fun and appreciate beauty. More than any other type, you know how to experience joy. This puts you in a unique position to experience God in the moment, to revel in what is happening around you, and to be in the present tense.
To Lovers, God is a nurturing parent. Prayer for you is often extemporaneous, speaking to God about what is on your heart at the moment. Music moves you deeply; so does heartfelt preaching and worship. You believe that real faith must be shared. Consequently, many Lovers are interested in missions or in spreading the Gospel through the media. You are passionate about holy living.
On the other hand, a Lover's impulsive behavior can get you in trouble. You sometimes focus on satisfying immediate desires to the detriment of investing in longer term needs. You have been known to exude a "holier-than-thou" attitude toward other spiritual types. That does not endear you to us. Guard against thinking that to be right everyone else must share a spiritual experience similar to yours. You also may need permission to acknowledge anger, disappointment, sadness, and doubt, and to allow yourself to be less than ideal."
It's kind of interesting... I've been telling myself, and others, that I'm a broken christian, because I completely am... it's interesting to think that people would see me as "holier-than-thou" but I guess even in admitting, and being OK about that, and being open and honest and excited about working on being "less broken", I guess I can see where others may see me as "holier-than-thou"... I can see it more prevalent in other areas as well...
I've also noticed my enthusiasm and happiness can come off too strong. Some people see it as me being too optimistic because I'm naive, young. Some just want me to be angry because they are (at that moment... I don't think it's bad to be angry sometimes!) I don't know... Something new I've been experiencing... Any thoughts?
Is it a bad thing to think life is beautiful? Now, I could be more realistic and open my narrow eyes to all the bad things in the world, which I do believe I should do more of. But I'm not sure that I shouldn't be happy or excited about the life I've been given...
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