Uncomfortable with being totally uncomfortable...

Someone once told me that it's when life is comfortable that I should be concerned. I interpreted it to mean that when we are comfortable we may just be going through the motions. I used to just apply it to my faith so I could keep digging deeper and getting closer to figuring out my relationship with God. Now I apply it everywhere in my life. And now I'm extremely uncomfortable...

I used to be OK with being uncomfortable because it was "smaller things" at a time... prayer, then religion vs spirituality, wrestling with "everything happens for a reason", etc. But now, it's like every single FREAKIN aspect of my life. I'm so uncomfortable I'm constantly fighting tears. I've grown to be comfortable with asking questions... Then the asking questions led to doubt, and not being able to trust. It's to the point where I feel like I can't trust anything anymore. I constantly critique what I'm reading, what people say, what I say, how I'm feeling, things going on in the world, vocations, how to live, and so so so much more...

I feel like there is nothing solid to stand on. I used to say that I had God to stand on, my rock that kept me firm and strong and through him I can do anything. While I still hope for this, I have a hard time trusting it. I feel like I can't trust anything... It's like I'm seeping into a big dark hole where absolutely nothing is clear.

This summer I hope to get out of the hole. To become comfortable again with being uncomfortable. To keep trying to learn and grow. I hope to learn how to trust again, at least trust that God really does love me and each and everyone of his children, ALL of them... Trust that God IS working through me. I hope to create a space for him to do so... Not sure what it's going to look like yet.

I pray that my friends and family just hang in there with me. I'm a bit depressed and the only light right now seems to be going to seminary at Luther where I can find a lot of resources to help guide me. That's just a year from now, and I fear plans may change (another thing that bugs but delights me... things never turn out the way we plan them out in our minds)... I pray for guidance, for trust, and for my compassionate self to be fueled and get to work...

I'm thankful for being uncomfortable but it's very discouraging, and right now I'm totally discouraged.