Couldn't sleep tonight

I listened to this podcast with Peter Rollins and Rev Vince and my brain went swimming... Check it out.

http://peterrollins.net/blog/wp-content/Violence-of-Love.mp3

Uncomfortable with being totally uncomfortable...

Someone once told me that it's when life is comfortable that I should be concerned. I interpreted it to mean that when we are comfortable we may just be going through the motions. I used to just apply it to my faith so I could keep digging deeper and getting closer to figuring out my relationship with God. Now I apply it everywhere in my life. And now I'm extremely uncomfortable...

I used to be OK with being uncomfortable because it was "smaller things" at a time... prayer, then religion vs spirituality, wrestling with "everything happens for a reason", etc. But now, it's like every single FREAKIN aspect of my life. I'm so uncomfortable I'm constantly fighting tears. I've grown to be comfortable with asking questions... Then the asking questions led to doubt, and not being able to trust. It's to the point where I feel like I can't trust anything anymore. I constantly critique what I'm reading, what people say, what I say, how I'm feeling, things going on in the world, vocations, how to live, and so so so much more...

I feel like there is nothing solid to stand on. I used to say that I had God to stand on, my rock that kept me firm and strong and through him I can do anything. While I still hope for this, I have a hard time trusting it. I feel like I can't trust anything... It's like I'm seeping into a big dark hole where absolutely nothing is clear.

This summer I hope to get out of the hole. To become comfortable again with being uncomfortable. To keep trying to learn and grow. I hope to learn how to trust again, at least trust that God really does love me and each and everyone of his children, ALL of them... Trust that God IS working through me. I hope to create a space for him to do so... Not sure what it's going to look like yet.

I pray that my friends and family just hang in there with me. I'm a bit depressed and the only light right now seems to be going to seminary at Luther where I can find a lot of resources to help guide me. That's just a year from now, and I fear plans may change (another thing that bugs but delights me... things never turn out the way we plan them out in our minds)... I pray for guidance, for trust, and for my compassionate self to be fueled and get to work...

I'm thankful for being uncomfortable but it's very discouraging, and right now I'm totally discouraged.

I need to start writing again...

My brain is really going to explode if I don't start writing again. So you can expect more posts this summer... I am constantly feeling conflicted or angry then mad at myself for being angry then sad or disappointed. My brain is so swamped with many things I'm struggling with, many things I've been challenged with. It's at the point where NOTHING seems clear at all...

I don't think it's a bad thing, but it's very discouraging. I try to have conversations with people about things that frustrate me or that I'm rustling with, but I end up not always having enough "research". All I know is when my gut or heart give me the heebeejeebees I have a hard time ignoring it and seek answers or clarification... and then I just get more upset.

Anyway, expect a lot more. They may not be very thorough or thought out, but I think part of why I like blogging is to get feedback. I like to learn...

Open minded?

So here I am thinking that I am open minded because I feel that homosexuals should have equal rights. While I still stand by this and won't quit giving my opinion and fighting for this, I've realized that I too am closed minded...

When learning about the anti-gay bill in Uganda and the "I Came out Straight" book where the author was once a homosexual and through some psychiatry turned out to be "cured", I was so pissed and shut off my mind to any possibility of some truth behind this...

I'm not saying that what they are doing is truth ESPECIALLY not the bill (hanging people and putting them in jail for life, or ANY amount of time for being gay, I will NEVER understand, even if it is to "help" prevent the spread of AIDS; BS! Lock up the straights with AIDS then too)...

But what about the book? I haven't even read it or heard much about it before I completely write it off thinking it is such crap! I haven't even given it more than 5 minutes of my time... If I reverse the roles and I wrote a book on my opinions, and people didn't even take the time to read it or consider it, I would consider them closed minded... And up until recently I put conservatives and people who were against homosexuality in the "closed minded" category.

While these people (some of them my family and friends) still bother me because they can't see my point of view, I am sure I bother them sometimes because I can't see their point of views. Just because I am more "liberal" and try to fight for human rights for EVERYONE, gay or straight, black or white, male or female, doesn't make me "more" open minded than others...

It's kind of nice for me to have this reality check. Maybe now I'll learn a little more. I'm not saying I won't get mad when I hear these kinds of things, but I don't need to gloat to myself on how I am "better" because I don't choose to side with the opposing view.

I've been learning more and more that people are different and believe different things (clearly) and they are able to choose what they feel is best. This doesn't mean that if it's different from mine that it's wrong, it just means it's different. Again, this doesn't mean I'll be quiet, but maybe we can help one another "grow" if we all dropped our barriers of thinking that the "other" person is closed minded, and started focusing on ourselves and allowing others to have their opinions as well.

Homosexuality & the church...

I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I just want this to be known...

I really struggle with this belief of "homosexuality" being a sin. That being homosexual is this absolutely terrible thing. That being homosexual is something you can control. That being homosexual is something to be frowned upon. That homosexuality is breaking up churches...

I'm getting sick of hearing about people leaving churches, and churches pulling out of the senate because homosexual clergy was approved... People freak out and pull out... It's really irritating me to hear these stories.

This may be a huge stretch, but people were born white, black, brown... They had no control of it. People who are gay don't CHOOSE to be gay (at least most of my loved ones who are...). It's usually something they are ashamed of, and don't want to admit to, but then they finally realize they don't want to deny themselves love like the rest of the "straight" people in the world...

Homosexuality is a sin? I don't get it... Again, maybe it's a stretch, but being born black is a sin, being born with blue eyes is a sin... I don't get it...

I get how stealing, killing, committing adultery, etc is a sin. It's something that hurts other people. How is being a homosexual hurting anyone?

I get that homosexuality isn't "normal". God talks about men and women... IDK. I just don't get it. and it's eating me up...

My other question, is why do we get so wrapped up and focused on what the bible says on these issues. Why can't we just, idk, not!? haha. I just want to love and accept people. If they are hurting themselves, as someone who cares and loves, I should step in and help, but how is homosexuality hurting them?

This blog is probably not well thought out... But I'm being as transparent as I can get. I think this is ridiculous. I am really upset. If anyone can help me see why homosexuality is so awful, I'd appreciate your opinion. And if anyone can help me by telling me I'm on the right track here, that could be great too! hahaha. I'm just peaved...

Lord, help me to be calm and patient as I am trying to figure out these things for myself... I pray for strength and continued guidance as I am pushed and pulled from differing points of views, especially those that are so powerful and definite and frustrating...

Prayer

So, I've had a really hard time with prayer for the past year. I mean, we're told that God is the divine eaves dropper, and that he knows our every thought/need/prayer. So what's the point in actually saying it out loud?

I also had a problem with praying for the wellness of people. I mean, thy will be done right? Just because 100 of us prayed for someone to be cured, does that really mean that they are going to be cured because so many people prayed for it? What if only 5 people prayed for it? Does that mean it wont get "passed"?

Prayer has been so confusing and so frustrating for me for a while... I could probably bring up more questions I had, but I can't remember them all now...

NOW - I absolutely love prayer. I love to pray after every bible study, during church on Sunday for "prayers of the people". I pray OUT LOUD pretty much every time. It's like the words just vomit out of my mouth.

But more than just church settings... I pray when I'm walking alone. I lean on God when times are good, and try to when times are bad... I pray at night before bed. I pray in the morning when I wake up... I pray constantly it seems.

The best part of it, is it isn't a chore. It isn't something I check off on my daily "To Do" list. It just happens, and I don't stop it ;)

I guess I've come to realize (thanks to the help of Pastor Dave and Kacey Hahn) that prayer isn't just to let God know what's up, because he already knows...

Prayer for me is a release of a burden, a shout of thanksgiving, a plea for help, and much much more. It's a time for me to "sort things out". A time for me to shut up and listen. A time for me to really care about others and practice loving them, and wanting the best for them.

It's still kind of confusing, and I can't completely wrap my mind around it, but what I know is I can't stop doing it...

Giggles for Jesus : P

Last night we had our Monday night study, but we didn't really have a topic to focus on. There were some random "hypothetical" situations that came up ;) but nothing too serious like topics we've done before like:

-Are we really loving someone if we aren't helping them grow
-- How do you avoid judgment when trying to help someone?

-Homosexuality: clergy and just in general and what the bible says about it

-Sex before marriage: Where does it really say that we shouldn't?

-Are different translations of the bible "picking and choosing" what you want to believe?
-- How are we supposed to know the "truth" from the bible when people can translate it different ways

-What does it mean to love?
-- Are we allowed to take a break from someone who constantly hurts us or isn't good to us, or are we supposed to continually love...
--- What does it look like to love ourselves first to help others?

Anyway, the point is, we talk a lot, we question, we dive in...

But last night, we just gathered. We chatted, laughed (snorted), hung out, sipped coffee, and just sat in a small community of 7 I believe...

I was thinking to myself (since I lead the study with Laura) "did we waste the precious time of other people" ... But after I thought it, I immediately wanted to slap myself. How could being in community with one another, to just laugh and smile and "detox" be a waste of time? I was reading everyone in the circle, and everyone seemed fine with it, and I know it especially helped one person in particular...

So I guess my conclusion is, we should all take some time in our days to just "giggle for Jesus". I mean we've all been so blessed (some of us "more" than others) so why not celebrate and laugh a little...

I had an incredible evening last night (until I hurt myself!! haha) and even though we didn't really "dive into" a study, we dove into laughing with one another and enjoying the community we were in. I don't see anything wrong with that ;) !!!!