Family...

Have you ever felt like you don't belong in your family? Like, your family moves on and doesn't bring you along OR you move on, and your family doesn't come with?

I'm really struggling right now... People say, "they're your family and they're going to love you no matter what" but I don't want just "love". I want a relationship... and I sometimes feel like I can't have one with them because of the distance and differences...

I was super excited for my niece to be born... I felt like somehow I had a second chance at really having a loving relationship with someone in my family, no screw ups yet, someone who'd have a chance to meet the "new" me, and accept me, and love me... Sounds pretty ridiculous huh?

It's not like I don't think my family loves me, I know they do... But sometimes I wonder if it's just a forced love, because you HAVE to love your family. I mean, I LOVE every single person in my family.

-My mom is an incredible and strong woman with a sincere interest and love for God...
-Brynn is such a strong, beautiful, inteligent woman...
-Heather is such an accepting emotional and passionate woman...
-My brother in law Matt is a hilarious, independent man...
-My step father Greg is such a unique introvert that I want to get to know better...
-My dad has never faultered (or at least he says) with his love and faith in God, and loves playing drums at church every Sunday. Never really seen him happier than when he's doing that...
-My aunt is such a loving woman who is so passionate about God...
-My uncle is a caring man...
-My cousins James (Spaz) and Joey are both unique and want to be musicians!! ...
-All my grandparents had wonderful things to offer...

Everyone in my family is beautiful in their own way and what I've said only touches the surface of how I feel about them...

Sometimes I wonder what they think of me... Am I still the stubborn brat from my childhood in their eyes who was still trying to figure out basic morals... I mean, people change, they can and they usually do and continue to... And I have, and I continue to... I continue to grow as an independent woman who "follows" Christ. I am trying and will continue to try to better myself on my walk, my journey with God, and living this captivating life of loving people!

I guess I see myself changing, a lot, for the better... and it's hard that my family isn't in Flagstaff walking right next to me in this journey. It's like when I go home to Phoenix, I end up feeling forced to not like some people or talk crap because there are still those people "we" aren't fond of... I'm trying to not be that way. I'm trying to give people more chances and to reconcile. I don't know how to really describe it... I always end up getting sucked in because "I'm not around all the time to know exactly what they're talking about, or why THEY feel a certain way about someone". Kind of goes back to my last blog about loving people who are the hardest to love...

Anyway, that's how I "feel" in my family, but I've realized that I've been kind of stubborn and somewhat selfish...

I can NOT expect my family to just know how I've been feeling or how to make me feel better... How can I expect them to know that if I do not communicate it well with them? I can not change them either, nor do I want to. I just want to be accepted, encouraged and motivated by them to help ME keep working on myself... Maybe, in a sense, I want them to "join" me to try loving those people that are the hardest to love...

I have no conclusions (when do I ever...) but I'm thinking that maybe I have the courage now to share with my family how I've been feeling, and work WITH them to make it feel like I'm "home" when I go home, because that's been missing for a while, and it really hurts. I'm not mad at my family, nor do I love them less... I just think we can better our relationship... What relationship doesn't need work?

I just want to be excited again. I want to feel like they've missed me when I go home. I want them to make an effort to keep in touch with me too, and not always blame me for being too busy (though I know I'm totally at fault for not making time either). I want them to listen to me. I want to BE a part of the family again, as silly as that might sound. Family is the only thing that will forever be constant in my life, in the sense that my friends will come and go... And I want to hold tight to them before they go...