"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation."- 2 Corinthians 5:17-19
rec⋅on⋅cile:
1.to cause (a person) to accept or be resigned to something not desired.
2.to win over to friendliness; cause to become amicable.
3.to compose or settle (a quarrel, dispute, etc.).
4.to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent.
5.to reconsecrate (a desecrated church, cemetery, etc.).
6.to restore (an excommunicate or penitent) to communion in a church.
The idea of reconciling to me is absolutely beautiful... The fact that there is a chance of a fresh start. The chance to make right with a loved one. The chance to forgive and love... What a gift.
What's the point of constantly talking bad about someone or something? I understand venting... Oh yes I get that... But constant venting about the same thing. Doesn't it get old?
We've been given the task to reconcile. To confront a situation... My pastor once gave a sermon that I absolutely loved. I don't remember the bible verse, it summarized kind of like this:
"If someone has sinned against you, confront them. If they do not listen, bring a witness. If they still do not listen, bring it in front of the church. If they still do not listen, treat them as Jesus would treat the tax collectors..."
Now some might read that and think that nobody liked tax collectors so Jesus would write them off, in essence "well I've tried everything, and they still won't listen, so I'll write them off"... But that's not what Jesus did. He ate dinner with the tax collectors...
I believe we are called to try and reconcile, and if it doesn't work, to continue to love anyway...
But how do we reconcile?
I was recently involved in a wonderful experience of reconciliation where everyone could speak and here is a few things I learned...
When reconciling:
-We have to be willing to be raw, to really think about OURSELVES in the situation, and what WE'VE done to allow or encourage or what have you within the situation. We need to be able to recognize our "faults" our imperfections, our actions or inactions...
-There can't be defensiveness... It's our first initial reaction, and we let feelings get in the way of truly understanding how the other person feels. First listen to the other person, re-iterate what you hear from them then proceed...
-You are allowed to have your opinion and express yourself as well, but try it in a way that doesn't attack the other person. Again, acceptance of your own faults is very important, especially so the other person realizes you know you "messed" up. It's easier to forgive that way...
-Encouragement and uplifting the other person is a great way to help them feel like they aren't a terrible person... Thanking them for realizing their faults and telling them that you still love them and appreciate their willingness to be raw with you since that is one of THEE HARDEST things ever...
Those are just some ideas... But I think the biggest key is to focus on what WE can do differently, not necessarily focus solely on what the other person has done or could do differently, though communicating what you NEED from the other person is pertinent as well...
Reconciling with someone can feel like "the end" but in actuality, it's a beginning... A fresh start... to reiterate:
"The old life is gone; a new life has begun!...no longer counting people’s sins against them..."
What a beautiful gift that we don't always take advantage of because we're too scared... Scared of accepting our flaws, scared of hearing how we've hurt someone, scared of saying the wrong thing, scared...
What do you think?
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Sometimes, the process of reconciliation can be too grueling because people have a hard time not attacking and not getting defensive. I think in some cases it might be more healthy to chill out and breath before diving back in. The process you described sounds great, but really exhausting at the same time.
ReplyDeleteDon't take that as a skip on it because it's hard. I know that for me, I just need some time to step away, breath, get some perspective, then dive back in.
I think reconciling takes time, and energy... Yeah it can be exhausting, but it doesn't have to be. When we are the first to apologize and to take some fault/blame, it tends to "break down the other person's guard" as Kacey says. And can sometimes be quite easy, healthy, and not so exhausting. Do you know what I mean? Somethings don't need to take time to brew and walk away from... that can just extend the hurt. Sometimes I feel it's best to tackle it pretty soon, 1. so the hurt deosn't linger but 2. so that other people are less likely to be drug into the situation.
ReplyDeleteI do agree though. Sometimes when things are just going around in circles, and I'm too hurt or angry, I have to step away, take a breath, get some perspective, and walk back to it with a clear fresh mind. I've just made the mistake too many times of breathing for too long if you know what I mean, and it just gets pushed back further and further and things tend to get worse than needed.
Thank you for your comment!
Well you both have made very fine points. I agree with everything and I never really understood fully reconciliation until it was put like this. I would have to say that I have come to experience that if you take a step back and wait you might end up hurting more in the long run. It could be only a hour, the other person could brush it off, then you are left feeling like S*** because they think you should be over it and you never got the chance to talk about it.
ReplyDeleteOh do I here you there sister ;) But today I've been experiencing many instances of just needed to breathe and brush it off and talk to them later, especially in the confined working spaces... Get's tricky to confront problems as they are happening when you need to get your job done...
ReplyDeleteI loved your post on reconciliation. how i wish some of the pastors at the conference i am at would listen and learn from you! love to you
ReplyDeleteI learn from the best :)
ReplyDelete