Open minded?

So here I am thinking that I am open minded because I feel that homosexuals should have equal rights. While I still stand by this and won't quit giving my opinion and fighting for this, I've realized that I too am closed minded...

When learning about the anti-gay bill in Uganda and the "I Came out Straight" book where the author was once a homosexual and through some psychiatry turned out to be "cured", I was so pissed and shut off my mind to any possibility of some truth behind this...

I'm not saying that what they are doing is truth ESPECIALLY not the bill (hanging people and putting them in jail for life, or ANY amount of time for being gay, I will NEVER understand, even if it is to "help" prevent the spread of AIDS; BS! Lock up the straights with AIDS then too)...

But what about the book? I haven't even read it or heard much about it before I completely write it off thinking it is such crap! I haven't even given it more than 5 minutes of my time... If I reverse the roles and I wrote a book on my opinions, and people didn't even take the time to read it or consider it, I would consider them closed minded... And up until recently I put conservatives and people who were against homosexuality in the "closed minded" category.

While these people (some of them my family and friends) still bother me because they can't see my point of view, I am sure I bother them sometimes because I can't see their point of views. Just because I am more "liberal" and try to fight for human rights for EVERYONE, gay or straight, black or white, male or female, doesn't make me "more" open minded than others...

It's kind of nice for me to have this reality check. Maybe now I'll learn a little more. I'm not saying I won't get mad when I hear these kinds of things, but I don't need to gloat to myself on how I am "better" because I don't choose to side with the opposing view.

I've been learning more and more that people are different and believe different things (clearly) and they are able to choose what they feel is best. This doesn't mean that if it's different from mine that it's wrong, it just means it's different. Again, this doesn't mean I'll be quiet, but maybe we can help one another "grow" if we all dropped our barriers of thinking that the "other" person is closed minded, and started focusing on ourselves and allowing others to have their opinions as well.

Homosexuality & the church...

I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I just want this to be known...

I really struggle with this belief of "homosexuality" being a sin. That being homosexual is this absolutely terrible thing. That being homosexual is something you can control. That being homosexual is something to be frowned upon. That homosexuality is breaking up churches...

I'm getting sick of hearing about people leaving churches, and churches pulling out of the senate because homosexual clergy was approved... People freak out and pull out... It's really irritating me to hear these stories.

This may be a huge stretch, but people were born white, black, brown... They had no control of it. People who are gay don't CHOOSE to be gay (at least most of my loved ones who are...). It's usually something they are ashamed of, and don't want to admit to, but then they finally realize they don't want to deny themselves love like the rest of the "straight" people in the world...

Homosexuality is a sin? I don't get it... Again, maybe it's a stretch, but being born black is a sin, being born with blue eyes is a sin... I don't get it...

I get how stealing, killing, committing adultery, etc is a sin. It's something that hurts other people. How is being a homosexual hurting anyone?

I get that homosexuality isn't "normal". God talks about men and women... IDK. I just don't get it. and it's eating me up...

My other question, is why do we get so wrapped up and focused on what the bible says on these issues. Why can't we just, idk, not!? haha. I just want to love and accept people. If they are hurting themselves, as someone who cares and loves, I should step in and help, but how is homosexuality hurting them?

This blog is probably not well thought out... But I'm being as transparent as I can get. I think this is ridiculous. I am really upset. If anyone can help me see why homosexuality is so awful, I'd appreciate your opinion. And if anyone can help me by telling me I'm on the right track here, that could be great too! hahaha. I'm just peaved...

Lord, help me to be calm and patient as I am trying to figure out these things for myself... I pray for strength and continued guidance as I am pushed and pulled from differing points of views, especially those that are so powerful and definite and frustrating...

Prayer

So, I've had a really hard time with prayer for the past year. I mean, we're told that God is the divine eaves dropper, and that he knows our every thought/need/prayer. So what's the point in actually saying it out loud?

I also had a problem with praying for the wellness of people. I mean, thy will be done right? Just because 100 of us prayed for someone to be cured, does that really mean that they are going to be cured because so many people prayed for it? What if only 5 people prayed for it? Does that mean it wont get "passed"?

Prayer has been so confusing and so frustrating for me for a while... I could probably bring up more questions I had, but I can't remember them all now...

NOW - I absolutely love prayer. I love to pray after every bible study, during church on Sunday for "prayers of the people". I pray OUT LOUD pretty much every time. It's like the words just vomit out of my mouth.

But more than just church settings... I pray when I'm walking alone. I lean on God when times are good, and try to when times are bad... I pray at night before bed. I pray in the morning when I wake up... I pray constantly it seems.

The best part of it, is it isn't a chore. It isn't something I check off on my daily "To Do" list. It just happens, and I don't stop it ;)

I guess I've come to realize (thanks to the help of Pastor Dave and Kacey Hahn) that prayer isn't just to let God know what's up, because he already knows...

Prayer for me is a release of a burden, a shout of thanksgiving, a plea for help, and much much more. It's a time for me to "sort things out". A time for me to shut up and listen. A time for me to really care about others and practice loving them, and wanting the best for them.

It's still kind of confusing, and I can't completely wrap my mind around it, but what I know is I can't stop doing it...

Giggles for Jesus : P

Last night we had our Monday night study, but we didn't really have a topic to focus on. There were some random "hypothetical" situations that came up ;) but nothing too serious like topics we've done before like:

-Are we really loving someone if we aren't helping them grow
-- How do you avoid judgment when trying to help someone?

-Homosexuality: clergy and just in general and what the bible says about it

-Sex before marriage: Where does it really say that we shouldn't?

-Are different translations of the bible "picking and choosing" what you want to believe?
-- How are we supposed to know the "truth" from the bible when people can translate it different ways

-What does it mean to love?
-- Are we allowed to take a break from someone who constantly hurts us or isn't good to us, or are we supposed to continually love...
--- What does it look like to love ourselves first to help others?

Anyway, the point is, we talk a lot, we question, we dive in...

But last night, we just gathered. We chatted, laughed (snorted), hung out, sipped coffee, and just sat in a small community of 7 I believe...

I was thinking to myself (since I lead the study with Laura) "did we waste the precious time of other people" ... But after I thought it, I immediately wanted to slap myself. How could being in community with one another, to just laugh and smile and "detox" be a waste of time? I was reading everyone in the circle, and everyone seemed fine with it, and I know it especially helped one person in particular...

So I guess my conclusion is, we should all take some time in our days to just "giggle for Jesus". I mean we've all been so blessed (some of us "more" than others) so why not celebrate and laugh a little...

I had an incredible evening last night (until I hurt myself!! haha) and even though we didn't really "dive into" a study, we dove into laughing with one another and enjoying the community we were in. I don't see anything wrong with that ;) !!!!

Forgiveness Pt. 1

Got some questions: "Forgive us our sins as we forgive THOSE who sin against us..."

Forgiveness eh? What the heck is that?

When have you actually reached the point of forgiving someone?

Is forgiveness strickly something you do for yourself to "feel better"?

Is it easier to just say "you suck, you hurt me, I don't want you in my life anymore" and leave it at that?

What about the really nasty stuff like cheating, rape, stealing, murder?

Is it forgiveness when we can say to someone, "you hurt/betrayed me but I'm still going to love you"?

Do you think you can forgive but still need time to heal? or is that not quite forgiveness?

How do you forgive?

Why forgive?

What the heck does forgiveness look like for you?



I have an idea for myself... But I want your thoughts.

How would you "label" me?!

I have a question, why do we label ourselves? Why do we ask each other, what religion are you? Why does it matter soooo much? Conservative vs liberal (and all the other things that I can't keep straight)??? Can't a girl just go to a church where she feels welcomes, be eager to learn and ask questions and not be labeled something? I don't know how to describe what I'm going through, I can't define to you EXACTLY what I believe, I can't deny God but I can't prove him either, I have lots of questions and lots of things that excite me, especially with this "Emerging" Church...

I dis-like the stereotypes with "Christians" not being accepting of homosexuality, being hypocrites, being a cult, to be christian means : you don't drink, smoke, have sex, do drugs, cuss AND on top of that you judge those who do... Oh and don't forget, Christians are ALWAYS trying to convert others to "their" ways to SAVE people.... WTF!!!!!!!!!

I drink, I occasionally smoke (hookah, cigarette with a drink), while I may not have sex- I ain't so perfect in that area either. I don't really judge (in the fact that I think others are terrible if they aren't christian or make different decisions for themselves... who am I to judge?!) AND I DON'T CONVERT!! I love when my friends want to experience what I'm experiencing, and I love to talk about stuff BUT I'M NOT LOOKING TO MAKE YOU ME!! Does this make me non-christian due to the stereotypes? and PS we're ALL hypocrites... think about it for a sec... ya you are too... and PSS (or PPS) I accept homosexuals!!!!!!!!! I said it! I do! Why should they be denied love?! (Whole other topic).

In all honesty, I don't really want to be called Christian... Now-a-days I don't even know what that means anymore... I don't know what to tell you that "I am". I don't know what I follow?? I follow a way of living a life of loving people? I follow caring about people, sometimes more than myself? I follow trying to care about the earth????? IDK...

How do you label me? Better yet, how do you label yourself and WHY?? I have OH so much learning to do ;)

PSSS (or something) this only scratches the surface of labels and titles and "entitlement" that bothers/confuses me... Grrr

so many emotions : /

I have come so far in my journey of faith, yet it's seems that I took a giant leap (or 20) backwards before I got here, and I'm not really sure where here is now...

This is what I know so far. I am content with not having all the answers, being completely broken, but striving to follow this "path" with no ending. I love to ask questions, I love to think, I love to be alone, I love to weep, I love to be relational with others, I love to LOVE, I love music - and want to start writing my own about my faith...

But I'm scared. The school year is around the corner, which means I have tons of things to focus on, but all I want to focus on is my/praise music and the community at LCM. All I want to do is be there for LCM to make it successful, to love and care for the community, to do EVERYTHING in my power to help it continue to be a place of welcome and love and trust and a place to worship and to feel safe... Not for glorification, oh my goodness NO! It's not about me... all I can think about are the people, new and returning, the new community...

Our pastor whom I love with my entire being, is moving to Minnesota. I am incredibly happy for her husband who is going to Luther Seminary and couldn't seem to be more excited! But I'm nervous... They have built our community up so well, they were such an important part of my life and my growth, and now I won't have them at my beckon call :/ I know I won't lose contact with them, I love them too much, but they won't be as readily available...

I think I was so comfortable with them, and now everythings been stirred up, and it almost feels like a new beginning... The good news is I feel ready for it, I want to take on the "challenge", but I still don't want to let go of what is comfortable... The bad news here, is I already feel like everything I've been working for over in the music building is being challenged by my involvement in the little blue building. The crazy part, is I'm ready to give up many things to take on new things... I'm starting to realize more of my passions, more of what makes me happy, where I thrive, where and who I WANT to be...

Basically, I'm scared, nervous, anxious, excited, sad, happy... All these emotions are giving me a headache, and I just want to be alone to think/pray and cry. I look forward to the many changes that are about to happen in my life, to define some of these transformations, and I look forward to the community that I get to love and grow with at LCM and the many things we can do outside of the little blue building...

Longing to be alone...

I'm an extrovert, a lover, one who THRIVES off of being around other people. I love people!!!

Until recently, I didn't like being alone, ever. Even if I were to go work out, or do homework, or eat a meal, it was always with someone... I get my energy from others. I love to laugh and smile and get lost with other people instead of within my own thoughts...

But now, I love being alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with energy of life. Alone with a cup of coffee (or insert beverage of choice). Alone with nature. No one to talk to me, but my own thoughts.

This Saturday, I woke up, got ready and started walking towards the music building to practice this big marimba work that's kickin my butt. But as I was walking, I was drawn to Campus Coffee Bean. I hadn't eaten breakfast, so I decided to stop. It was beautiful outside, so I got a cup of coffee and a peanut butter, 6 grain bagel and sat at a table outside. And I ate, and sipped on my coffee...

After my bagel was gone, I felt glued to my seat. I wasn't ready to leave... So I didn't. I looked around at all the people walking by, all of them so different from another. One elder lady with a total 80's wardrobe with a sweater over her shoulders and a back brace; a younger gentleman wearing work out clothes and flip flops; a lady in her 40's wearing a total "hippie" outfit; a dad with his two children, laughing and enjoying their breakfast together; another guy (I actually knew him) with curly hair sprawled out over a couple chairs, just sitting with himself; an Indian man sitting on the curb; an older gentleman on his cell phone talking to person after person while he sat there...

Now what does all this imagery mean?!?! Nothing really... But after analyzing people, I wanted to cry. I thought to myself, how beautiful this place was. Everyone so different, drawn to this place for different reasons; it was just wonderful...

After that I was getting lost in my thoughts, checking out the mountains and trees, the birds hanging out wondering if they'll be able to eat our crumbs (or so I think they thought.. ha). I was glued. Stuck. In love with this creation of life. I just started crying. Not sobbing, but just a few tears...

I had an experience earlier this summer, where I purposefully sat myself alone, in my living room. For a few hours... alone with only my thoughts and the view of my apt ceiling.. and again, I weeped, except that time, I was sobbing...

I feel like alone time is very important to my life now. Time to think/pray, center myself from all the noise, but also time to just stop and look around at all the beauty in the world. Sometimes the beauty isn't so beautiful, but overall, it's a big, strange, incomprehensible world we're living in... And taking some time to check it out... Well I'll let you make up your mind about it ;)

Taking time to be with self just seems so pertinent... and I hope that when the madness of life begins again (with school, work, teching, practicing, rehearsals, gigs, hw, organizations, etc...) that I can remember to take some time for myself, because it's pretty great...

Everything Happens for a Reason?

Growing up, I whole-heartedly believed this... Now, I'm not too sure...

I have met so many people who believe this, family, friends, and I think there could be some validity, but maybe it's the verbage or the language of the matter...

I've heard this response time and time again... "Though we may not be able to see the reason now, doesn't mean there isn't a reason for it"

To me, this phrase is kind of a "cop-out" in the sense that we use it to justify things that happen in our lives that aren't "good". To me I hear that there is a belief that GOD has intentionally placed 'bad' things in our lives to teach us some sort of lesson, and in turn is used to glorify HIM. Gives me the heebee-geebees...

I've toyed around with the idea that "We can learn a 'lesson' from all things" OR "WE can choose to see reason and call it God's"...

I like this the best though... Why can't God just be the all loving God that is there to walk with you in the hard times, there to love you and comfort you? I can't wrap my mind around the fact that a good and loving God would intentionally place something 'bad' in our lives to 'teach us a lesson...' God is all knowing, but does that mean that God is a puppeteer, controlling all of humanity? Where's the free will in that?

I'm reading the book "The Shack" right now by William P Young. The character Mackenzie's daughter was kidnapped and murdered... He goes to the shack and meets God. If you are currently reading it, or wanting to check it out, read pages 125-127. Mack is crying out and God tell's him that humans choose what is good and evil (another blog), and don't always trust that God IS good! God says "Your choices are also not stronger than my purposes, and I will use every choice you make for the ultimate good and most loving outcome..." To me, this might mean that WE, broken human beings, can make choices that lead to 'bad' outcomes... I interpret that as humans fail, and cause the crap in the world, but God is maybe there to clean up the mess? Now the more I read those pages the more validity I could see in the "Everything happens for a reason" phrase, but that's William's beliefs, not necessarily fact.

Which leads me to another point... I think by saying everything happens for a reason is using that phrase as a "certainty" which means that there is no room for 'error'... Some people choose to live in that life of certainty because it's comfortable... Not saying this is terrible, but I think as I am exploring faith, it's hard for me to say there are 'definites' except that there is a God who chose us, who loves us, who is with us every step of the way... Not necessarily one who says:

"Kinna, I need to test you. I am going to purposefully make you miserable for a reason. You may not see it yet, but one day you will, and you will thank me."

How about a God who says:
"Kinna, I am with you right now in your troubles, walking with you and loving you. I am here, and I will carry you. Trust me that I am all Good. Trust that I will always be here with you and love you, to cry with you and to laugh with you. 'I give you peace now, my peace... not as the world gives, but as I give..."

I'd love to hear your thoughts as I wrestle with this...

Insecurity- Rachel Held Evans

http://rachelheldevans.com/insecurity

This is truly a GREAT post! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. She was so raw and so truthful... so broken, like all of us right?! How awesome! Peter Walker said something very interesting regarding his posts about "starting with our weakness"...

"Wow, talk about counterintuitive advertising: "Christianity: We're the WEAKEST Way to Live!" Shall we give it a try?"

Some cool stuff... If you don't check out Peter Walker already, you should. http://www.emergingchristian.com/

It's kind of cool to see how many people are excited about being broken but also scared to be, like Rachel... What do you guys think?

Eldon

I worship with Lutheran Campus Ministries at the CMC, or "the little blue building behind the music building/ Cline library" up in Flagstaff, AZ. Over the breaks we have very intimate worship services since a lot of people leave town. I think we had about 11 at service last night?!

To get a visual going for you, the 11 of us sat in a circle for worship. The only time the circle was broken was when I went to the piano to sing/play. In the circle was a homeless man, the pastor and her husband and kids, a guy from Germany, 3 students, an alum and myself.

This Sunday to me wasn't necessarilly about the sermon. It wasn't really about the music (which for me can be the part I resonate with the most). It was about the people, mostly about the homeless man...

His name is Eldon. Now I'm probably making this way more of a deal than it should be, but it was really beautiful to me. Eldon sat next to me. We held hands for prayers. He got up to fix the fan for us, got up to make sure the napkin covering the bread wouldn't fly away, got up to close the blinds because the sun was in peoples eyes, all without anyone asking him to. Then during prayer, he got down on his knees and leaned over the chair, and someone else had their hands uplifted, some folded their hands, some closed their eyes, some kept them open... I thought that image was beautiful to me, all these different people gathered together in one intimate group...

Back to Eldon. After service we dined together, then the kids wanted to play kick ball! So we were playing, and Eldon joined in! And it was an absolute blast...


What an image of community?! One that is diverse, one that prays together, dines together, crys together, laughs together and plays together. One full of enthusiasm, joy, love, sympathy, compassion... All of this was shown to me, mostly through Eldon, but also through that intimate group on Sunday. What a marvelous gift...


I think it is so beautiful that our community this Sunday (and I guess last Sunday) included Eldon. He was a delight. We didn't turn him away like I've known other communities to do for fear of something bad happening, which can definately be justified...

My prayer for our community is that we continue to grow as a people of love and compassion, and to spread that to others within and outside of the community. I am thankful for the image I was given, for the community I was able to be in, the tears of joy and sorrow I could shed, and for a safe place to go and be loved and accepted as I am... a broken loving follower...

Lover... (spirituality test results)

I took this spirituality test (http://www.upperroom.org/methodx/thelife/), and I thought this pretty much nailed it on the head for me! Makes a ton of sense! Here is my result (go figure):


"You are a Lover, a feeling type, whose spirituality comes primarily from the heart or emotions. You value freedom, independence, and spontaneity. Along with your gift of enthusiasm, you show us how to have fun and appreciate beauty. More than any other type, you know how to experience joy. This puts you in a unique position to experience God in the moment, to revel in what is happening around you, and to be in the present tense.

To Lovers, God is a nurturing parent. Prayer for you is often extemporaneous, speaking to God about what is on your heart at the moment. Music moves you deeply; so does heartfelt preaching and worship. You believe that real faith must be shared. Consequently, many Lovers are interested in missions or in spreading the Gospel through the media. You are passionate about holy living.

On the other hand, a Lover's impulsive behavior can get you in trouble. You sometimes focus on satisfying immediate desires to the detriment of investing in longer term needs. You have been known to exude a "holier-than-thou" attitude toward other spiritual types. That does not endear you to us. Guard against thinking that to be right everyone else must share a spiritual experience similar to yours. You also may need permission to acknowledge anger, disappointment, sadness, and doubt, and to allow yourself to be less than ideal."


It's kind of interesting... I've been telling myself, and others, that I'm a broken christian, because I completely am... it's interesting to think that people would see me as "holier-than-thou" but I guess even in admitting, and being OK about that, and being open and honest and excited about working on being "less broken", I guess I can see where others may see me as "holier-than-thou"... I can see it more prevalent in other areas as well...

I've also noticed my enthusiasm and happiness can come off too strong. Some people see it as me being too optimistic because I'm naive, young. Some just want me to be angry because they are (at that moment... I don't think it's bad to be angry sometimes!) I don't know... Something new I've been experiencing... Any thoughts?

Is it a bad thing to think life is beautiful? Now, I could be more realistic and open my narrow eyes to all the bad things in the world, which I do believe I should do more of. But I'm not sure that I shouldn't be happy or excited about the life I've been given...

First Impressions...

"You don't get a second chance for a first impression"- Unknown

Ok, while this makes sense, does it really justify not liking someone you hardly know? I can see it's validity for like a job interview or something where there are a lot of applicants and you may have to play "cut throat" but in general, I'm not ok with this...

Here's what I mean : Have you ever met someone who just looked/talked creepy? mean? too nice? annoying? crazy? etc? at first meet?

SO I've met a lot of people, like out at the bars, or just in a grocery store that I think look creepy, they just rub me the wrong way and I think I should stay away from them... Not sure if that's the "right" thing, but instincts come into play sometimes, and maybe we should listen to them...

But here's what bugs me. Someone new comes into our life, and we judge them based off of our first impression... whether it's a guy/girl your friend/family member is dating, a new friend of a friend, a new person to our work environment, etc. If they are too nice, too short, too tall, bald, hair too long, piercings, tattoos, too old, too young.... we somehow find a way to classify them and justify our ill or even good feelings towards them...

How can you tell the true character of a person by only one meet, be it 5 seconds or 5 minutes... especially when they don't even say a word...

I guess my point of this is that we are so quick to try and fit people into a category at first meeting, or come up with something we can say about them before we even try to get to know them better. I've recently done this and it turns out this girl was way cool... Yeah we're really different, can't be "best friends" BUT at least I'm not out there talkin crap about someone I hardly know because she would give me the "stink eye" which was just her face of insecurity, or being uncomfortable... sometimes people can be jealous or intimidated with the way YOU carry yourself, but if you just open up to them, then maybe they'll open up to you, and you may learn you have some things in common, or maybe they are your next best friend, or maybe you just learn something about them that makes you not think poorly of them anymore.

May seem like I care too much, but I see so much hurt and talking crap about people, people who need to be loved, just like you and I.

It's just a thought, but what if we all gave each other a second, or third chance at a first impression? What if before we comment about someone, we say "this was my initial reaction (if you must) but I'd really like to get to know them better...." And MAYBE we don't need to get to know everyone better, but we probably should before we speak poorly of them.

This blog is kind of vague and broad, but I'd love to hear peoples thoughts. Yeah, we're all going to fail from time to time, yeah we're going to listen to our initial instincts sometimes, but don't you think we should all make an effort to get to know people better? No, we can't be great friends with everyone, but we can show love to everyone (whole other blog ;P)...

What if you were to make a wrong 1st impression because you were having a bad day, got some bad news OR you were overly happy because you got great news or lack of sleep Or you just got your hair cut and/or dyed, or have fake nails, did your maekup a certain way, wore a certain outfit? Just doesn't seem right that someone would put you in a box or make up their mind about you right then and there...

On another similar note... People can change... even after years of knowing them... Are people willing to give those people another chance?

People are people too...

Think of who your role models are... Who are people you look up to and admire? Who is your boss? Who has authority over you? Ever come across someone famous? Who has power?

Ok, so it's inevitable right? We're always going to have someone who is "in charge" of us or "the boss" or "controls some sort of our life" or "is higher is the 'spectrum' than us"... But I have a question. Why is it we feel the need to be scared of them, intimidation? OR why is it that some of them think they derserve "power"? That they are to be overly respected, adored, looked up to, that they don't need to give you the time of the day because you should be doing things for them? Who wears the pants? Who's "The Man..." ???


Everyone tells me to know who those people are, to accept it, and just roll with it... I could work my way up to that too (except at a dead end job being a student worker, not moving anywhere for 4 years... because you can't)... Well, I can, and I will, but I don't like how it makes me "feel"...

Here's a few different examples:

I see a well known band director (insert your profession here)... I feel like I can't approach them. They are unapproachable, because why would they want to talk to little ole me. Or maybe they just hold themselves high, and it's intimidating...

I see a well known percussionist/marimbist/drumset player (again, insert what you will)... I feel so excited to see them, and even though they may be approachable, I still can't. Again, why would they want to be bothered by a nobody like me? They probably get enough attention...

I work for the same boss for 4 years (of course they are like the boss of a boss). I see them pretty much every day (of course I don't work many hours) and even after 4 years, I have a hard time approaching them... Again, I feel like I'm an intrusion. They are too busy to deal with a student worker, even if I am doing something to help them out. I feel like I need to go through somebody else to get to them... like the food chain almost...

************************************************************************************

Those are just a few of many, many examples. But why is that? Why do I feel so insignificant? Sometimes it's not the person's fault who is "above" me, but sometimes it is when they don't even acknowledge my existence...

Here's what I'm proposing... People are people too right? Just because they have a "title" like Bishop, Manager, Famous, Well known/Respected Band Director, Pastor, Rabbi, Director, (insert other titles...) doesn't mean they are no longer human, or a person. Maybe some of them don't want to be acknowledged, but I'm not sure I'll let that stop me anymore...

I've realized the boss of a boss is a nice person, and funny, and can be personable, if they had time... I've realized the famous people can STILL be accepting and grateful for compliments and fans... I've learned that people who are more experienced and respected than I can still offer great advice and can be willing to sit and talk with you.... But I've also learned, there just are some "donkeys" out there that really hold themselves higher, and you need not communicate with them... With those people, I'll still smile and say hi, because they are still people, still in need of interaction, even if they may not want it....


So maybe we can just realize that we're all people with a story, people with feelings, people with family or not, friends or not... We're all just people. People who need, you guessed it.... Love.



HAHA! You know I had to add that ;) Love isn't cliche to me I swear! It's active, sometimes a huge challenge, but something completely worth it... (yeah I know, kind of random, but so am I... maybe another blog?! =p)

Reconciliation...

"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation."- 2 Corinthians 5:17-19

rec⋅on⋅cile:
1.to cause (a person) to accept or be resigned to something not desired.
2.to win over to friendliness; cause to become amicable.
3.to compose or settle (a quarrel, dispute, etc.).
4.to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent.
5.to reconsecrate (a desecrated church, cemetery, etc.).
6.to restore (an excommunicate or penitent) to communion in a church.

The idea of reconciling to me is absolutely beautiful... The fact that there is a chance of a fresh start. The chance to make right with a loved one. The chance to forgive and love... What a gift.

What's the point of constantly talking bad about someone or something? I understand venting... Oh yes I get that... But constant venting about the same thing. Doesn't it get old?

We've been given the task to reconcile. To confront a situation... My pastor once gave a sermon that I absolutely loved. I don't remember the bible verse, it summarized kind of like this:

"If someone has sinned against you, confront them. If they do not listen, bring a witness. If they still do not listen, bring it in front of the church. If they still do not listen, treat them as Jesus would treat the tax collectors..."

Now some might read that and think that nobody liked tax collectors so Jesus would write them off, in essence "well I've tried everything, and they still won't listen, so I'll write them off"... But that's not what Jesus did. He ate dinner with the tax collectors...

I believe we are called to try and reconcile, and if it doesn't work, to continue to love anyway...

But how do we reconcile?

I was recently involved in a wonderful experience of reconciliation where everyone could speak and here is a few things I learned...

When reconciling:

-We have to be willing to be raw, to really think about OURSELVES in the situation, and what WE'VE done to allow or encourage or what have you within the situation. We need to be able to recognize our "faults" our imperfections, our actions or inactions...

-There can't be defensiveness... It's our first initial reaction, and we let feelings get in the way of truly understanding how the other person feels. First listen to the other person, re-iterate what you hear from them then proceed...

-You are allowed to have your opinion and express yourself as well, but try it in a way that doesn't attack the other person. Again, acceptance of your own faults is very important, especially so the other person realizes you know you "messed" up. It's easier to forgive that way...

-Encouragement and uplifting the other person is a great way to help them feel like they aren't a terrible person... Thanking them for realizing their faults and telling them that you still love them and appreciate their willingness to be raw with you since that is one of THEE HARDEST things ever...

Those are just some ideas... But I think the biggest key is to focus on what WE can do differently, not necessarily focus solely on what the other person has done or could do differently, though communicating what you NEED from the other person is pertinent as well...

Reconciling with someone can feel like "the end" but in actuality, it's a beginning... A fresh start... to reiterate:

"The old life is gone; a new life has begun!...no longer counting people’s sins against them..."

What a beautiful gift that we don't always take advantage of because we're too scared... Scared of accepting our flaws, scared of hearing how we've hurt someone, scared of saying the wrong thing, scared...

What do you think?

Family...

Have you ever felt like you don't belong in your family? Like, your family moves on and doesn't bring you along OR you move on, and your family doesn't come with?

I'm really struggling right now... People say, "they're your family and they're going to love you no matter what" but I don't want just "love". I want a relationship... and I sometimes feel like I can't have one with them because of the distance and differences...

I was super excited for my niece to be born... I felt like somehow I had a second chance at really having a loving relationship with someone in my family, no screw ups yet, someone who'd have a chance to meet the "new" me, and accept me, and love me... Sounds pretty ridiculous huh?

It's not like I don't think my family loves me, I know they do... But sometimes I wonder if it's just a forced love, because you HAVE to love your family. I mean, I LOVE every single person in my family.

-My mom is an incredible and strong woman with a sincere interest and love for God...
-Brynn is such a strong, beautiful, inteligent woman...
-Heather is such an accepting emotional and passionate woman...
-My brother in law Matt is a hilarious, independent man...
-My step father Greg is such a unique introvert that I want to get to know better...
-My dad has never faultered (or at least he says) with his love and faith in God, and loves playing drums at church every Sunday. Never really seen him happier than when he's doing that...
-My aunt is such a loving woman who is so passionate about God...
-My uncle is a caring man...
-My cousins James (Spaz) and Joey are both unique and want to be musicians!! ...
-All my grandparents had wonderful things to offer...

Everyone in my family is beautiful in their own way and what I've said only touches the surface of how I feel about them...

Sometimes I wonder what they think of me... Am I still the stubborn brat from my childhood in their eyes who was still trying to figure out basic morals... I mean, people change, they can and they usually do and continue to... And I have, and I continue to... I continue to grow as an independent woman who "follows" Christ. I am trying and will continue to try to better myself on my walk, my journey with God, and living this captivating life of loving people!

I guess I see myself changing, a lot, for the better... and it's hard that my family isn't in Flagstaff walking right next to me in this journey. It's like when I go home to Phoenix, I end up feeling forced to not like some people or talk crap because there are still those people "we" aren't fond of... I'm trying to not be that way. I'm trying to give people more chances and to reconcile. I don't know how to really describe it... I always end up getting sucked in because "I'm not around all the time to know exactly what they're talking about, or why THEY feel a certain way about someone". Kind of goes back to my last blog about loving people who are the hardest to love...

Anyway, that's how I "feel" in my family, but I've realized that I've been kind of stubborn and somewhat selfish...

I can NOT expect my family to just know how I've been feeling or how to make me feel better... How can I expect them to know that if I do not communicate it well with them? I can not change them either, nor do I want to. I just want to be accepted, encouraged and motivated by them to help ME keep working on myself... Maybe, in a sense, I want them to "join" me to try loving those people that are the hardest to love...

I have no conclusions (when do I ever...) but I'm thinking that maybe I have the courage now to share with my family how I've been feeling, and work WITH them to make it feel like I'm "home" when I go home, because that's been missing for a while, and it really hurts. I'm not mad at my family, nor do I love them less... I just think we can better our relationship... What relationship doesn't need work?

I just want to be excited again. I want to feel like they've missed me when I go home. I want them to make an effort to keep in touch with me too, and not always blame me for being too busy (though I know I'm totally at fault for not making time either). I want them to listen to me. I want to BE a part of the family again, as silly as that might sound. Family is the only thing that will forever be constant in my life, in the sense that my friends will come and go... And I want to hold tight to them before they go...

"Those that are the hardest to love are the one's who need it the most"

So, I like this whole concept of loving people... If you haven't guessed it already, you will soon learn this about me.

Have you ever thought about why you're friends with your friends? Or why someone sticks out in your mind as being someone you really care about? Or why you even get along with some people?

This is hitting me more clearly than ever... I'm friends with the people I'm friends with because it's easy, convenient. You can't help being friends with the people who make you laugh, or smile, or the people you know will listen to you when you talk, or love you despite your flaws. It's easy to allow them in your life and to love them back.

But what about the people that just don't give you the right vibe? What about the people who you feel like you have to try too hard to get along with, where you feel bad if you don't laugh at their jokes, or smile and say hi to them when you see them because you don't want to hurt their feelings? People who've never really hurt or betrayed you, but you just can't like them for whatever reason?

OR what about the people who you get along with, but constantly hurt you? But they make you laugh, and can offer a helping hand, but in the end continue to tear your heart?

OR how about the people who you think are using you for whatever reason? That their friendship doesn't seem sincere, just an act, fake? What about the people who claim to love and do anything for you, but in the end don't give you what you need?

I know... I just asked a ton of questions. All things I have experienced, some currently, some in the past, some I can not avoid. I really struggle with this. People. Humans. We are all children of God. Don't we all need to love each other? Or at least don't I need to love them?

This is something I've been trying to work on, and still (obviously) don't have "the answer". But, through trying to love people that are hard to love, not the easy one's that just come naturally, but those who give you that bad vibe, who drive you nuts and you can't explain it, those people are the one's who need it "the most" and I've learned a lot from them... It's interesting, talking to people, trying to really learn who they are, where they come from.

I never liked history in school, but now, I see it's validity. An example: my dad, a man that I constantly have to forgive... a man that is so hard to love... a man that I feel loves his new family more than the family from his first marriage... a man that claims to be proud of me and love me but only about once a semester. Should that be good enough? I don't think so... I get mad at him so much. It's almost like wasted energy trying to love that man when I don't feel I receive it in return... But is that the point?

So back to history... I recently took a long drive with my mom who explained things about my dad's past, things he's too ashamed or hurt to say out loud, things he would never want me to know... But I'm glad I do know. In a way it's like I want to make more of an effort now to love this man who was never told he was loved. No wonder he has a hard time being the dad I need... He doesn't know how to be. Not that that excuses all of it, but he's human, broken, imperfect, and kind of tries. I still think it could be better, but what relationship doesn't need work?

I guess to put an end to this extremely long post is that I don't know what to do... But I do know that we are called to love one another... And maybe we should challenge ourselves to love those that are harder to love, not that we should put our other friends and loved ones on the back burner, but don't you think the love of God should be spread to everyone? Everyone needs some love in their life, and while it's great to have constancy within our group of friends, or church communities, or what have you, I think it's important to share that love with others, outside of the comfort zone...

Intro- John 15

Well hello! I'm basically starting this blog so that I can better understand/organize my thoughts... I'm not as articulate as I'd sometimes like to be, but I'm going to give it all a shot...

I attend the Lutheran Campus Ministries at Northern Arizona University. This year our theme was "Living a life of love". I am completely absorbed in this idea of living a life of loving others. I'm trying to figure out what that looks like and how I can continually get better at this...

The book of John chapter 15, particularly verses 9-17 is something that I have been resonating the most with lately, what it means, and how to apply it to my life. Here is one translation:

"I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father's commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn't confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. You didn't choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. This is my command: Love each other."

I'll continue my dissection later... For now, I must actually do work at work